Raising Resilient Kids: Lori Butterworth Of Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
CCAMH Co-Founders - Dr. Lori Butterworth and Dr. Ramona Friedman
An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Let the Children Play. Recently, I asked a mother why she wouldn’t let her 11-year-old daughter walk two blocks from her school to my office for therapy. Like so many other parents, this mom shared her fear of a stranger taking her daughter. I asked the mom if she knew how long her daughter would have to stand alone on a street corner before, statistically speaking, she’d be kidnapped by a stranger. You could almost hear her jaw drop when I told her it was 750,000 years. Here’s the irony: her daughter has a smartphone.
Intoday’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Lori Butterworth from the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health.
Dr. Lori Butterworth is the Co-Founder and Associate Psychologist at the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health. Alongside her colleague, Dr. Ramona Friedman, Lori is working to make mental healthcare accessible to all kids where and when they need it. Based in the Bay Area of California, Lori has more than 25 years of non-profit experience and more than 10 years of experience as an educator.
This is not the first time Butterworth has launched innovative solutions to ease the suffering of children. Jacob’s Heart and the Children’s Hospice and Palliative Care Coalition are among the successful programs she has envisioned and led. “When I met Dr. Friedman, we quickly realized that our joint expertise and passion for improving the quality and accessibility of youth mental health care could be leveraged to find solutions for the mental health challenges our children are facing,” she added.
CCAMH was established in June 2023 and has since opened two youth mental health centers in San Luis Obispo and Soquel, CA. The CCAMH model balances a combination of free and affordable evidence-based mental health services that include teen advisory groups, parent/family support, youth counseling sessions, and training and supervision for emerging counselors, therapists, and child psychologists.
“With 13 years of experience as a clinical psychologist focused on youth mental health on the Central Coast, I am very aware of the needs of the youth and families in our community,” said Dr. Ramona Friedman, President and Co-Founder of CCAMH. “I am not only thrilled to be fulfilling my goal to provide more access to the youth and families, but I am aware of the impact of this award to help us provide expanded access to mental health services to children and families from marginalized communities.”
The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent
Psychiatry and the Children’s Hospital Association have all declared a National State of Emergency in
Children’s Mental Health. And suicide remains the second leading cause of death in teens.
“Our youth can face mounting mental health challenges and together we must rise to the challenge by mobilizing innovative solutions to meet their needs,” said Rep. Jimmy Panetta. “Thankfully, organizations like the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health are stepping up to expand access to quality, evidence-based youth mental health in California’s 19th Congressional District. This investment is a testament to this organization’s vital work and our community’s concern and care for the future of our children."
As one of five organizations nationwide selected to receive the Morgan Stanley Alliance for Children’s Mental Health Innovation Award, CCAMH is being recognized for its commitment to expanding services for first-generation American teens and families. With this award, CCAMH will increase current services to include a First-Gen Teen Center that will empower first-generation American teen advisors to engage in peer mentoring and train new therapists to provide culturally informed treatment and family support.
“The American Psychological Association applauds the efforts of the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health for innovation in expanding access to mental health care support for the most vulnerable among us,” said APA CEO Arthur C. Evans Jr. “We are gratified that this program was inspired by our collective work to promote population health, which seeks to prevent mental illness by working with people before they have a full-fledged diagnosis.”
To learn more about the Morgan Stanley Innovation Awards: https://www.morganstanley.com/about-us/giving-back/childrens-mental-health-awards/
To learn more about CCAMH: http://ccamh.org
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About Morgan Stanley Alliance for Children's Mental Health
Launched in 2020, the Morgan Stanley Alliance for Children's Mental Health brings together key leaders in the children's mental health space and combines the resources and reach of Morgan Stanley and its Foundation with the knowledge and experience of its distinguished nonprofit member organizations. The Alliance helps strategically address children's mental health concerns and the far-reaching challenges of stress, anxiety and depression. For more information about the Alliance, visit www.morganstanley.com/mentalhealthalliance.
About the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health
CCAMH began in response to the mental health crisis facing children, teens, and young adults with a mission to expand access to quality, evidence-based youth mental health treatment as quickly as possible. Through evidence-based programs, CCAMH currently provides affordable options for youth and families in San Luis Obispo and Santa Cruz counties with plans for programmatic and geographic expansion. For more information: www.ccamh.org.
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?
To help parents build resilient kids, I’ll refer to three well-researched, go-to resources for parents: SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) developed by Eli Leibowitz from Yale; Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) developed by Matt Sanders at the University of Queensland in Australia; and The Anxious Generation, NYU professor Jonathan Haight’s last, well-researched bestseller.
1 . Resist the Urge to Fix. Validate your child’s emotions but resist the urge to solve every problem for them. Our parental instincts are to protect our kids and keep them from harm. But often trying to fix our child’s problems for them sends the message that they’re not capable of fixing things themselves. Try saying things like, “I can see you’re upset, and that’s okay,” to show you understand their distress. Then, offer support without taking over, saying, “I’m here if you need help, but I know you can handle this.” The SPACE program helps parents of anxious children learn to avoid doing things to accommodate our kids’ fears while unintentionally fueling their anxiety. For example, parents of kids who are afraid to sleep alone will try to avoid their child’s discomfort by sleeping with them well into adolescence. Every night the message “you’re too weak and afraid to sleep on your own” gets reinforced. In short, jumping in to keep our kids from experiencing pain can undermine their ability to build self-confidence and resilience.
2 . Model Values-Driven Choices. I use a fun game in therapy to help kids identify what is important to them and what is not. We take about 50 cards with values-based words: Independence, Honesty, Patience, Courage, etc. We sort the cards by “Most Important,” “Somewhat Important,” and “Not Important.” Then, we talk about each selection in the “Most Important” pile and sort the cards again. By the end of the game, the child has narrowed it down to the top five things that matter most to them. This sparks conversations about why knowing what is most important helps us set goals aligned with who we are.
I encourage parents to do this with their kids and talk about the values they share and each family member’s unique values. As parents, knowing our own values allows us to demonstrate how to act in alignment with those values, even when facing difficult challenges. For example, if a family values kindness, a parent can show their child how to remain kind and compassionate, even in stressful situations. If you, as a parent, value “Respect,” you can demonstrate self-respect and show respect to others even amid conflict. This helps children understand that living according to their values is more important than trying to avoid discomfort. It teaches resilience by showing that they can continue to pursue meaningful actions despite difficult emotions.
3. Turn Challenges into Learning Opportunities. When your child encounters a manageable challenge, welcome it. Without taking over, allow your child to face age-appropriate challenges that might involve failure. Gradual exposure to difficult situations helps kids build confidence and learn to manage adversity. Find opportunities for your child to learn from setbacks. Again, validate your child’s feelings and then encourage them to think about what they can learn from a situation. Ask questions like, “What can you do differently next time?” to help them develop problem-solving skills and resilience. Share your own experiences with failure and how you overcame it. Help your child see setbacks as temporary and part of growth.
4. Be a Helicopter-Parent. Yes, you heard that correctly. It’s time for parents to become more helicopter and hover more when it comes to screen time and social media. And, it’s time to stop hovering in the real world. Jonathan Haight describes the disastrous cultural shift from play-based childhood to phone-based childhood and how as parents, we’ve become irrationally fearful of stranger danger in the real world while handing our kids a device that opens them up to predators worldwide. I’ve heard people say that the genie is out of the bottle and there’s nothing parents can do about kids and social media. I disagree. There’s a lot we can do.
Let’s start by considering the primary function of social media. For most kids, social media is a way to connect with friends, and social connection is a healthy, necessary developmental activity. Taking away your child’s phone while “everyone else” has one, isn’t the answer. According to Haight, we must replace phone time with playtime. Haight suggests four new norms for groups of parents to agree to: 1) No smartphones before high school; 2) No social media before age 16; 3) No phones in schools; and 4) More independent play.
5. Let the Children Play. Recently, I asked a mother why she wouldn’t let her 11-year-old daughter walk two blocks from her school to my office for therapy. Like so many other parents, this mom shared her fear of a stranger taking her daughter. I asked the mom if she knew how long her daughter would have to stand alone on a street corner before, statistically speaking, she’d be kidnapped by a stranger. You could almost hear her jaw drop when I told her it was 750,000 years. Here’s the irony: her daughter has a smartphone.
Back in the 1970s, I was a kid running around with my friends until dark without a parent or phone in sight. The crime rate was higher then than it is today. But today, parents are irrationally hovering over their kids in the real world and throwing up their hands when it comes to the digital world. We need to switch on the parental hover button when it comes to social media and switch it off in the real world.
I tell parents, instead of “play dates” and scheduled activities every day after school, give kids time to run around the neighborhood playing freely. Trying to schedule therapy appointments with parents whose children have ballet on Monday, soccer on Tuesday, piano on Wednesday…makes therapy another scheduled activity.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
How many of us have started a daily mindfulness practice only to have it fade away after a few days? Count me in. To make mindfulness practice stick and become a habit, keep it simple and enjoyable.
The “Three Good Things” activity is a simple yet powerful mindfulness practice that you can enjoy with your kids. Each day, perhaps as part of a bedtime routine, reflect on and write down three good things from the day. They can be big or small, such as a kind interaction with a friend, a delicious treat, or completing a task. Parents can model how to keep it simple so kids don’t find it overwhelming. Share your good things, and talk about why each thing happened or how they contributed to the good thing happening. This helps kids focus on positive moments and emotional resilience.
As I mentioned earlier, the anchoring technique helps kids get anchored in the present moment by bringing attention to the physical environment and becoming aware of bodily sensations. Make it a habit, perhaps during a meal, to focus on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This helps kids connect with the present moment in a fun and simple way.
There are many breathing exercises that can help calm the mind and body. Whatever breathing exercise you use, make sure to focus on a long, complete out-breath. When kids get anxious, and we tell them to “breathe,” they can start breathing quickly in and out, which can exacerbate their anxiety. Think about how you feel after hyperventilating. Slow, steady breathing with extended out-breaths is best.
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
If you haven’t yet had the chance to read Jonathan Haight’s latest book, The Anxious Generation, I recommend you grab it as quickly as possible. In it, Haight makes the strongest case yet for the damage social media is having on our kids. He describes the disastrous cultural shift from play-based childhood to phone-based childhood and how as parents, we’ve become irrationally fearful of stranger danger in the real world while handing our kids a device that opens them up to predators worldwide.
Eli Leibowitz’s book Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents is all about SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions). The philosophy behind SPACE is that to treat child anxiety, we treat the parents. This is especially useful when children are resistant to therapy; the parents go to therapy and learn to reduce the kinds of parental accommodations and reassurance that may be feeding a child’s anxiety.
LetGrow.org provides free resources for parents and teachers. Be sure to download the Let Grow Project and Independence Kit.
Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting, Dr. Lisa Demur’s podcast, is full of practical, science-based parenting tools and strategies. Her book Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood is a must-read for parents raising teen and preteen girls.
Angela Duckworth’s Grit (both book and TED ED talk) is a great resource for parents who want to help their children succeed. Duckworth shows that success isn’t about talent but about fostering passion and persistence, or “grit.”
Finally, the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health hosts free, 1-hour Parent Drop-In sessions on Zoom where parents can seek guidance from experts specializing in specific mental health disorders. Parents can also connect with others facing similar challenges. Clinical Psychologists who specialize in anxiety, depression, eating disorders, suicidality, and medication host each session. Parent Drop-Ins are held on the last Wednesday of every month at 5:30 pm. Register at ccamh.org to receive the Zoom link and submit questions beforehand.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them.
I’d love to have lunch with Jonathan Haight. He’s started a real, no-holds-barred, grassroots conversation about social media’s influence on youth mental health. I meet parents every day who feel isolated and alone, struggling with their kids about screen time and social media. At the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health, we are starting to host parent meetings about the four new social media norms and have seen a ray of hope. I’d love the opportunity to thank him.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Please visit ccamh.org and join us for a Parent Drop-In.
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
